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TIQ.
I don't describe myself.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I should be thankful that someone still cares to look out for and to guide and protect me all he can. Always have been there and I know he will always be.
I really miss you. If only I can tell you how diffiicult it is for me as well. Its not like I wanted life this way. This is life. You sacrifice, everytime. Worth it? Im not sure about that. I dont think so. But do you know how difficult it is, to look at your parents and feel like crying every single morning when they tried to find every last penny just to give you money so you could eat for the day. Do you know how I really feel? Trying to put up a strong front when in actual fact Im dead tired and so lethargic that i wish I can just sit at home and just sleep till the next morning. But I can't complain. Because thats just the way it is. This is how I shall lead my life, it has always been this way. Have been smiling, laughing here and there, giggle giggle. Because why? I dont want people to sympathise with me. Because I dont need that. I know you are trying to help. everytime. Every single time, with anything that you can find.You would do anything for me. I know that. If only my eyes can be passed around. So you can look at my life from my perspective. So you can know how it feels when you know your parents desperately needs your help but they wont ask you to because they want the best for you and do anything they can so they can provide for you and they have to work their ass off just so you wont starve. So you will know how my father fasts the whole day and will only eat when he reaches home in the wee hours just so his money can be given to his children. So you will know how my mother goes around everyday working so hard even though people criticises what she does when they know at least she's looking for halal income. Masya'Allah. If there's an award for the strongest, hotheaded, kepala batu and persevering mother that knows no boundaries to her sacrifices, it should go to my mum and no one else. And I. As the big sister,feels that I should give in and let my siblings have that money so they wont have to fast like my father. And so, I have to look for money on my own. Im not regretting anything because I know Allah have better plans for me in future and Im being tested right now. Allah will always protect me so nothing can go wrong. InsyaAllah, things will get better.
And no,this is not the same as "behind this smile are tears of sadness" merepekness. You people dont need to care by the way.Ignore. Period.

I just need you here.With me.All the the time.